Category Archives: Humor

When the stimming stops. Aka does he have the plague?

“Hi I’m Pip I’m the on-call paedatrician tonight, what’s up with this young man”

“he’s sick”

“I understand he’s autistic what’s telling you he’s not well”

“he’s not stimming and he’s not screaming”


Aka holy hell lady I think this kid is dying!

48 hours and the great autistic one was quite, still, asleep, not screaming, not stimming, not headbutting.

So by now we’re panicking and thus we become intimately familiar with the emergency department at 4am. And to answer your question, no, we don’t get seen quicker because ultimate dadda works there.


So the little dude has tonsillitis, – we think. After donning the bear attack suit Pip the pedatrician managed to lever open the jaws of death long enough to glimpse “big angry red” tonsils.  

So we’re getting antibiotics into him, and pain meds, lots and lots of pain meds, but that’s about it next to no fluids and no food for 4 days so he’s lost what little weight we’d put on him, but that’s ok. And in the mean time he remains a pathetic, whinging, whimpering ball of autistic misery. At some point the bad mumma in me battles her way to the surface and bellows out “oh shut up and harden up”

bad mumma is ignored.

And he continues to act as though his last day on earth was yesterday

And we remain tired, very very tired.

I appear to have pleased the old ones. Yay me

As an atheist and a smartarse it would be hypocritical to say the Gods love me these days so I’ll stick with Lovecraftian mythos and say the old ones like me. 

Cthulhu friend?

Or at least they have no desire to devour me, or maybe they think autism sucks. I know this cause at present I am 1) not dead and B) enjoying some very copacetic moments in life. 

We are at present trying to get control of The Great Autistic Ones need to headbutt everything all the time. And we have finally been able to access the food therapy group so sensory issues is our current flavour of the month.

I give you the following examples. 

It was suggested we try G.A.O. in a waterbed to help his sleeping. Ok great so we start searching of teh interwebs not liking our chances The universe delivers the only single waterbed in the country listed on our auction site just 5 mins up the road from us at the exact time I have a bumper week at work and have an extra $350 in the pay packet. What does the bed cost us? $315. And it has padded bits. yay. Go team Autism!!!


Next it’s suggested we try find some light up gadgets to see if they help settle him. Not only do I find an excess of cheap fibre optic lamps, plug in disco balls, huge lava lamps, but when cleaning out mumbleteen funky nest of a bedroom, we discovered he forgot to tell us he returned home 3 months ago from a trip to his Uncles house with little dude all time favorite light and music toy. 

This is the best toy ever, every autistic home should have one.

It even still had working batteries!!

And just today not 3 days after it was suggested we try a white noise machine but the first time I go looking for one I found the only one listed on our auction website.

Thanks Old Ones I don’t know why I have appeased you but I shall continue to do so.

Or maybe it’s that retroactive karma finally kicking in after all these years. I am suspicious and paranoid so I am waiting for that head shot from a flying farm animal or being struck by lighting take down that life likes to offer when we start feeling smug but until then I’ll keep being a cheap arse and pining my hopes on Cthulhu.


I ain’t dead……….yet

Been a while, a long while actually. there is a reason and some day soon I may even share it but in the mean time life carries on. Autism is still our faithful friend. The great autistic one is now 8 and 1/2 and still basically the same. We brought our first car some almost 4 months ago and we’ve racked the the mileage or as we don’t say in this country the kilometerage driving here, there and every freakin where.

For reason I choose not to divulge yet we had to take a long trip recently. Now where I live in little bitty ole N.Z. we are a 2 island nation. And by that I mean while yes there are other islands dotted around the place they appear to be inhabited by strange people with not enough teeth and a unhealthy interest in hemp clothing and the native wildlife so “we” like to pretend there are only 2 islands. As we’re such creative folk here we have really stretched the ole noggins and called them the North Island and the…………….wait for it………………….South Island. Pretty impressive huh.

SOOOOOOOOO anyway a couple of months ago we had to travel from North Island(where we live) to South Island(where we used to live). We drove I don’t know why, I guess we’re just sadists like that. Anyway it’s a reasonably decent drive it takes about 12 hours in total and 3 and a half of them are on a boat.

yep a boat. Autism on a boat. It was ………….interesting. Flapping on a boat takes a skill set little dude sorted in fairly rapid fashion

The Cook straight is reported to be one of the rougher ferry crossing in the world. Now I can’t say for certain if that the case and don’t see the need to test the theroy.

The trip was great bouncy in an up and down rough water kinda way. Flapping while spinning while boat is rocking, little dude spun right into the boat wall??? Anyway is was metal there was an impressive boing!! ANd he just shook himself and carried on spinning.

Ultimate dadda and I found our selves saying such gems as “no, no licking the boat” yummmmmmmmmm salty goodness. “no no looking under the doors” we had the good sense to hire a privet cabin for the journey and little dude discovered there were gaps under all the doors. “no,we don’t sniff  him” in the car deck little dude took a fancy to the dock worker that was directing passengers to their cars.

While we were away we stayed with little dudes grandparents that haven’t really seen him in years. They were impressed. And awesome.

The reason we were away wasn’t pleasant but the actual travelling made it better.

One day we might even do it again for the right reasons.


In defense of the casual ‘F-bomb”

It needs to be said here and now that this post contains the word fuck a lot. Just warning ya early in case y’all are easily offended. So brace yourselves now.

Little dude has a new word to add to his vocabulary.


He’s very good at pronouncing it. He can use it in context, appropriately and it is one of his high frequency words.

I’m very proud. In fact you could say………

As a matter of fcuk little dude just wandered into the lounge happy as  clam skipping and swinging his arms “ohhhhh fuck ohhhh fuck” goes his little happy song.

The other day we were at the library and we were waiting to check out our books. Mumma is talking all about the librarian behind the desk and how she helps people to find books. Little dude slipped off the stair he was standing on and let rip”aww fuck” and I just keep chatting away not missing a beat.

And we’re sitting on the new couches having a chat and from the bedroom ….. ‘thar he blows’  “fuck fuck duck quack” We pause, there’s an eyebrow twitch and…..”duck quack quack yeeeeeeeeeeee fuck”

Having a wee stim making a happy ooooooooooooooooh noise “fuckfuck”

He banged his elbow walking through his bedroom door “ow fuck”

So we can tell from our reactions or lack there of that Ultimate Dadda and I are fairly casual speaking lads and lasses. We’re the first to call a spade a bloody great digger. We draw the line at the kids using fuck, and we never utter the “c” word except in moments of extreme and provocation and punctuation  The mumbleteen gets fairly free use of damn, bugger, ass, shit but his favourite is reserved for “oh hell no!” circa Gabriel Iglesias The lass is allowed ‘dumbass’ So we’re liberal permissives with boundaries.

But the little dude is leaving us all in his fucking dust. So to speak.

And what are we doing about it? Not a fucking thing. But let me tell you why…….

Given that although he’s 8 with his lack of verbal skills and other such autism awesomness he is a perpetual 18month old so it is with all “toddlers” tell him not to do something and sure as shooting it’ll become his new favourite past time. react and it will give him sometging to feed off. Tell him no and he’s going to bellow it in all his glory.

Besides he’s a human, a person and he has rights. So surely on of his rights should be to swear. I’m down with that. As long as he’s not spelling it, or typing it into google I can always edit the fuck out of his schooling videos right?

Seriously though I worry anything I try to negate his awesome grasp of the word is just going to aggrevate the situation, so I’m hoping that like most of his words he’ll drop it soon enough through lack of reaction and we’ll move on until then it’s best to .

I have no idea.

Fucking peace yeah?

autism v. 2.0??? system error invalid command.

I was just scrolling through some different blogs on autism trying to find others out there using the same software we have installed and I think I must be doing something wrong cause none of them have the same programming errors as we do.

I think I need to do a re-install cause all these other folks have ones that can follow instructions, or communicate  or express appropriate behaviours.

Begs the question what the hell is autism, cause if they’re calling their kids autistic then what the frack is mine???

Example: from an apprently “autistic” 9 year old boy comes the following dialogue “One morning, on the way to taking Teagan to school, my husband and I were having a conversation. I don’t remember what it was about, but I do know that it wasn’t about anything that came out of Teagan’s mouth. He says, “I’m not old enough to choose to make out or not to make out.” I said, “WHAT?” And he repeats it. Then I ask him, “What is making out?” And he says, “When you date.” So, I say, “Oh, well, it’s good you aren’t old enough to make out then.” And then he says, “I want to make out with Skylar.” My husband and I nearly died of a heart attack. And then Teagan says, “We’re going to go to a restaurant.” So, not only is he interested in dating this Skylar, but he also has it all planned out. He is going to go on an internet dating site, for what he presumably believes is to teach him how to be nice to girls, then he is going to take her to a restaurant, then make out with her. Heaven help us!”

Seriously???? you’re calling your kid autistic and he just came up with that???

Lady what planet you from? I’m from planet autism and on my planet autistic boys don’t have conversations about appropriate dating. On my planet boys will occasionally yell out something that may in fact be “DUCK QUACK QUACK”. At least I hope that’s what he was trying to say. We also have “conversations” like this. “Do you need to pee?” “Nooooooooo” “____ do you need to go toilet have a pee?” “NOOOOOOOOOOO NO peeee” “Do you want to try have a pee? No not in the hallway” -cue screaming or as he puts it ‘kweeeeming” As for dating plans are you friggin kidding?? Hell I’m just grateful he no longers launches himself down other females cleavages”

Or how about this wee gem from another ‘autism mom” “I am completely out-of-the-loop on ALL personal care and hygiene issues and he has done a tremendous job!  He is the least smelly teenage boy I know, and very receptive to any changes or new introduction to his routine in this area.  So thankful for this!!  He also has no need for my assistance with any of his household chores.  He empties the dishwasher, carries in and puts away all the groceries, puts his dirty clothes in the laundry, takes out the trash, and starting this spring, will be mowing the lawn.  He will do any work you ask, as long as he knows what time you expect him to start work and for how long.  He is a human timer and has an expiration buzzer for sure – but will work hard when he understands the expectation and task”

Seriously???? you’re calling your kid autistic and your bitching he can only do things after very specific instructions???

Lady what planet you from? I’m from planet autism and on my planet autistic boys don’t follow instructions beyond “try saying that again” Hell I’m thrilled all to bits that my “normal” teenage boy uses soap and sometime follows instructions let alone the autistic one. I figure I’ll still be washing all his bits and pieces when he’s 20, christ can you imagine having to shave your own sons face when he’s hypersenstive to touch, sound and he’s hyperactive to boot.

How about this “mom” and her 2!!! autistic boys “Hey, kid. I wanna tell you that I’m really proud of the way you handled the bus situation this morning. I know it’s hard for you to be late and I’m happy that you didn’t worry too much about the bus. Like I told you before, you’ll get to school no matter what, because if the bus can’t take you, I will. You can count on that. Hey…I have an idea!””What?””Well, since you did such a good job this morning by being flexible and not feeling upset about the bus, I was thinking about a possible surprise. But, if we do the surprise, it means you’re going to be another 5 minutes late to school. You can choose what you want to do. If you want to go straight to school, then that’s what we’ll do. If you’re okay being a few more minutes later than we already are, then I’ll tell you my idea.”He paused for a moment, assessing his options. “I’ll be okay if we are 5 more minutes late. What’s the surprise?”How about we get some hot chocolate on the way to school because you did such a good job?”I knew it!”Yeah, I figured you did, kiddo.”

Seriously??? You’re calling your kids autistic and they can verbalize a thought process, make a decision and assume they are right?

Lady what planet you from? I’m from planet autism and on my planet boys with autism don’t talk, cope with change AT ALL, verbalize thought process OR make decision beyond pointing which dvd is on their shelf. Oh and also? They don’t drink hot chocolate

These “autism moms” need to get a grip. I ain’t gonna take no bitching form any of them. I don’t claim to have exclusive rights to call my kid autistic. I just don’t think they should either. Clearly their o.s. got installed by a techie with half a clue. Their programming might be a slow and require some pretty precise inputting from the user but hell honeys at least yours don’t crash halfway through a download.

I think my kid musta been programmed by a non-english speaking hyperactive crack addict with multiple personalities and a real short attention span.


Warning: Contains Excessive Nudity

Parental guilt crisis looming……….

The great autistic one spends many an hour in the raw as it were and I am starting to experience mild panic attack symptoms at the thought that while it’s might be cute to watch an 8 year old boy bounce on the tramp int rain as nature intended  the sight of a 28 year old doing it is only going to frighten the neighbours, confuse the dog and disturbed any door knockers prowling the neighbourhood. Although in hindsight this maybe an excellent tacit for warding off those pesky God bothers, if only there weren’t those annoying little public indecency laws I’d put the tramp on the front lawn.


a strict holiday dress code was adhered too. He had the hat on.

Change happens at glacial speed round these parts and if we stand any chance of getting the lad to wear pants on a daily basis we’re going to have to get cracking (pun intended) fairly soon.

I personally don’t mind if he’s running round the place naked and short of sunburn and unfortunate bee stings there is very little harm for the young fella or his wee fella, it might be a wee bit cheeky but surely there no harm. A stroll through our family photos shows the great naked one frolicking his way through seasons and years with nary a stitch. At Christmas, Easter, inside, outside there is a blur of boy bits gracing the screen(there’s a reason I don’t scrapbook you know).

It’s not that he sheds his clothes you understand but rather he has a fantastic habit of wandering off mid task and being happily engaged in whatever takes his fancy. And often it’s his fancy he’s engaged with. So there is a lot of lax parenting on my behalf, it’s just he’s so…….happy and let’s face the lad is an expert at nude maneuvering he’s been at it since before he could even walk

Born to be free, free from the oppression of clothing!

Born to be free, free from the oppression of clothing!

Most folks coming over these days are fairly used to a skinny kid streaking down the hallway and either they’re really good friends or they really don’t give a damn. Either way apart from the neighbours getting a rather surprising view with their breakfast when we first moved in there are been very few complaints. oh wait there was that one time in the supermarket but hey it was only his pants it’s not like he totally stripped off right??? But I have that nagging sensation that if steps aren’t taken now the other kids may have social lives revolving around i.d.-ing their mates at the door as content may offend sensitive persons.

Note the sun smart addition of a t-shirt. That's cracking good parenting there

Note the sun smart addition of a t-shirt. That’s cracking good parenting there

So how does one train the un-trainable into wearing pants?

What’s the next step learning for that? Star charts perhaps.

A sign on the front door “It has been _____ days since we had an U.P.E. (unexpected penis encounter)

I’m not too fazed as his excessive naturist tendencies aren’t unaccompanied by inappropriate peeing but I know in my heart of hearts that one day in the not to distant future pants are going to be mandatory.

Sigh heartbreak comes so early these days. I shall have to steel my resolve and add “the constant wearing of pants at all times it is neccessary” to our ever growing list of essential life skills. I shall have exercise great care in how we word teaching the great autistic one about “appropriate” as we could stand another repeat of the ‘great hilarity of  ’08”

Great care must be taken in the wording of stated i.e.p. goals, lest confusing surronding "pants must be worn at all times" Autistic children are VERY literal

Great care must be taken in the wording of stated i.e.p. goals, lest confusion surrounding “pants must be worn at all times” Autistic children are VERY literal


Hey! Quit being average will ya?

Had one of ‘those’ moments on Planet Autism. Sneaky lil dude went and acted all average on us.

Man, I hate it when he does that.

Firstly he’s acting all cute. Now I don’t mean he’s looking all cute and that’s not average. He’s always cute looking but honestly as much I as love the great autistic one there are times when his behaviour makes her  v  v  look like a kindergarten teacher on her first day.


So he’s actually acting cute, kissing daddas nose and ears and eyes and lips and cheeks and hands and feet. So the kid is stalling going to bed. Ok that’s cute. But that’s not average.

So dadda is tolerant, but wanting the lil dude to get to bed, so after following the strict bedtime routine with no deviations, he’s standing in the hallway.

Ok little man that’s enough, time to get into bed, so come on, lets go bedtime.

………wait for it…….wait….for….it.

“okay okay”

Heh, that’s it that’s all it takes to be average around here and blow our minds.

Two tiny syllables. 

Bell rings lights flash, unicorns frolics and angels drop the bass.

But before you melt into a gigantic puddle of goo with all the cuteness, don’t worry

As soon as that door closed his invisible nanny moved in to babysit

I think they’re learning nursery rhymes in there.


My kid, the human car alarm.

I am constantly asked by all and sundry what The Great Autistic Ones special ability is.

Whut??? Oh right, ’cause ya know everyone has hollywood autism.

Hollywood autism is type where the (male) is usally highly verbal, and displays a freakish understanding of maths and has almost always lost one or both parents. Aka the common and annoying mis-conception that every person that has autism is some “special’ talent/savant ability.

SO I am asked almost every time without fail, what my sons “special” ability is.

Errrrrr “he can squeal like a freakin car alarm.”

What do you mean that is not  talent???

No he doesn’t have the ability to count cards or solve quantum mechanics equations in his head. Well yes I could take him to Vegas to cheat at poker but I have a feeling the plane ride would wipe out any winnings in compensation for hearing damage. And we’d never get any further than the slot machines, with all their spinning and flashing lights.

Can he listen to a song just once and play it by ear?

Well no, but he can imitate door bells, shop chimes, fire engine sirens and the microwave when it beeps.

Impressed yet? No errr what else can hollywood autistics do?

Oh that’s right don’t touch them and they have a photographic memory.

Well the touching bit is wrong, my guy loves a good hug, squeeze, tickle, headbutt, he will hold hands which is nice, he will blow his nose on your hand which is less nice, but still better than when he licks it off again.

The photographic memory is bang on the money though, but he’s yet to use his powers for good. However he can spell, universal, paramount, 20th century fox, oblivion and for some reason horse.

Hollywood autistics don’t like change either, they tend to hum and some of them even rock.

Total fallacy right there. My guy can handle change just fine, as long as you warn him and change it right back as soon as you’re finished.

I would really like to see a blockbuster movie about a “proper” autistic person .

But I have a feeling that 2 hours of humming,  flapping, spinning, licking windows and sounding like a car alarm every 15 minutes just wouldn’t sit right with the audience.

They’d constantly be bolting outside to check the parking lot.


The greatest inventions of never

I’ve been thinking today, and since starting this blog I’ve felt the need to share some of the things that occupy my brain when it’s on standby mode. So today askewedviewed is proud to bring you.

The best things for autism that have never been invented!

1) Battery operated microwave. For popping those little buttery golden kernels of joy on the flap, nothing could beat a battery operated microwave. You could just keep it in the boot of the car and when the need arises volia. 2 minutes and 51 seconds later. A happy flappy chappy.

Ok so it turns out they’ve invented them already but I want a more a awesomer one.

2)Folding trampoline. Some kids rock, others swing, many bounce. My lads is a bouncer. He has the big one outside. A 14 footer. And in his bedroom your average wee re-bounder. But a fold up tramp would be awesome! If we wanted to get a social life and it didn’t agree with the young fella we could just get where we’re going unfold the tramp and there ya have it.

3)Pecker guard. ‘Nuff said really. I only have experience dealing with boys so I don’t know how useful it would be for girls. I’m picturing something like those cones of shame they use for dogs only upside down and fastened round the waist. Reaching to about knee height it would make it a lot harder to whip it out standing in the supermarket queue

Applied correctly, the cone of shame could be useful in preventing. U.P.E.’s (unexpected penis encounters)

4)Self squeezing helmets. My lad is a deep pressure guy. Particularly around the head. But when we don that in public we get similar reactions to U.P.E’s with the adage of folks wanting to call the child protection agencies. So a self squeezing helmet. Like a python but….well a helmet.


They so need these in every restaurant!

5) A sticky suit. What I have in mind here is kinda like those human fly suits you see in movies and some of the worlds more “colourful drinking institutes” but not velcro. Like if you’ve ever wrapped a cat in double sided sticky tape and thrown at a carpeted wall(not that I’ve ever done that of course) but you get the gist of it. So you could go out to a restaurant or some place and stick the kid to the wall and he’d be happy as, stimming and flapping and things and you could enjoy your meal in peace.

6)A mute button……that actually worked


I should add at this point, that when “they” do get around to inventing these things it will be perfectly normal and acceptable to have them and use them. Like those old skool calculator watches from the ’80’s. NOT everyone has one but it’s so totally not weird to walk into a McDonalds and see 2 or 3 kids stuck to the wall. Not like when I do it these days and I get all those really funny looks. 


The blind guides book of the meltdown minefeild

8 days into the New Year and we’re at 5 meltdowns and counting.

Jealous much???

To state navigating The Great Autistic Ones meltdowns are an adventure is like stating Gollum may be a little preoccupied with jewelry.

The key to to think small and move slowly, like bees and dogs, the great autistic one can smell fear. That and cake, he can also smell cake. Perhaps the key is to throw the cake and move swiftly in the opposite direction. Also throwing bags of popcorn could help, but you must be gentle  more of a lob and less of a throw.

Often one can sense an impending meltdown much like cows can sense Earthquakes. You could try their trick of lying down but honestly that just leaves you vulnerable to attack.I personally think protective clothing should be part of your diagnosis package, “here’s your piece of paper showing you all the names and numbers of organisations other parents of kids can call but not you because you lucked out with the “not a disability disability”, here is a prescription for sleeping tablets, have a free subscription to kooknews monthly and here’s your bear attack suit. Good luck, please don’t call us”

Bear attack suit, best used at nappy changing time, nap time, dinner time, and any time you want to safely engage with your kid

Seeking help for said meltdowns is also an exercise in futility, joke, only slightly less appealing than getting a tooth pulled via a rectal probe, a daunting task. I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve gone asking an EXPERT in autistic behaviors for assistance only to be asked “he’s doing what?, really? wow that’s weird. I don’t know what you can do about that HAHAHA(deep chuckling belly laugh) drink more coffee and hope it’s a phase” Smart ass freaking doctors. maybe I should break into his beemer and give the kid a can of coke and a packet of gummy bears. “really? he put what where? I don’t know what you can do about that hahaha”

Seriously though these meltdowns are getting to me, my kid is starting to make A-listers and their hollywood benders look like a quite night in with a cup of coco and a good book.

Short of drugging the wee poppet into submission where the side effects list looks like a game of russian roulette on a psych ward. The number one side effect seems to be “excessive weight gain”, also irritability aggressiveness and restlessness.

Whoopee. Just what I need a LARGER version of tiny tim on a hyper active ‘roid rage.

Possible side effects may include your child channeling this guy. Not to be taken on holidays

I’m not left with many options at this point. Suck it up, or drug him up.

Where’s the number for that bear suit guy.