Monthly Archives: February 2013

In defense of the casual ‘F-bomb”

It needs to be said here and now that this post contains the word fuck a lot. Just warning ya early in case y’all are easily offended. So brace yourselves now.

Little dude has a new word to add to his vocabulary.


He’s very good at pronouncing it. He can use it in context, appropriately and it is one of his high frequency words.

I’m very proud. In fact you could say………

As a matter of fcuk little dude just wandered into the lounge happy as  clam skipping and swinging his arms “ohhhhh fuck ohhhh fuck” goes his little happy song.

The other day we were at the library and we were waiting to check out our books. Mumma is talking all about the librarian behind the desk and how she helps people to find books. Little dude slipped off the stair he was standing on and let rip”aww fuck” and I just keep chatting away not missing a beat.

And we’re sitting on the new couches having a chat and from the bedroom ….. ‘thar he blows’  “fuck fuck duck quack” We pause, there’s an eyebrow twitch and…..”duck quack quack yeeeeeeeeeeee fuck”

Having a wee stim making a happy ooooooooooooooooh noise “fuckfuck”

He banged his elbow walking through his bedroom door “ow fuck”

So we can tell from our reactions or lack there of that Ultimate Dadda and I are fairly casual speaking lads and lasses. We’re the first to call a spade a bloody great digger. We draw the line at the kids using fuck, and we never utter the “c” word except in moments of extreme and provocation and punctuation  The mumbleteen gets fairly free use of damn, bugger, ass, shit but his favourite is reserved for “oh hell no!” circa Gabriel Iglesias The lass is allowed ‘dumbass’ So we’re liberal permissives with boundaries.

But the little dude is leaving us all in his fucking dust. So to speak.

And what are we doing about it? Not a fucking thing. But let me tell you why…….

Given that although he’s 8 with his lack of verbal skills and other such autism awesomness he is a perpetual 18month old so it is with all “toddlers” tell him not to do something and sure as shooting it’ll become his new favourite past time. react and it will give him sometging to feed off. Tell him no and he’s going to bellow it in all his glory.

Besides he’s a human, a person and he has rights. So surely on of his rights should be to swear. I’m down with that. As long as he’s not spelling it, or typing it into google I can always edit the fuck out of his schooling videos right?

Seriously though I worry anything I try to negate his awesome grasp of the word is just going to aggrevate the situation, so I’m hoping that like most of his words he’ll drop it soon enough through lack of reaction and we’ll move on until then it’s best to .

I have no idea.

Fucking peace yeah?

Who Are You??? Who am I???

In a previous non autism post here  I allowed those that read this a glimpse into our non autistic lives. But  I was quite clever and tricksy and didn’t give much away about myself…………<cue dramatic music>……that is until now.

I had a better than average day today and I thought why not give the people a glimpse of their hero. So for the interested here is a snapshot of

A Day In The Life of The Modern Stay At Home Mother to The Great Autistic One

It started quite The great autistic one woke up well for a change, mumbleteen had a day off school because it was athlectics at school and he’s not interested. Ultimate Dadda came home at his usual 8:30 reporting a busy but not unplesant night at work. I got the lawnmower cranking fairly early cause the day was due to be stinking hot. I needed to tinker a bit so I got to get greasy which I quite enjoy. I mow the lawns round here, ultimate dadda and son are violently allergic and mumbleteen has the attention span of a spaniel puppy on crack.  After the mandatory shower before human contact like some plague bearer T.G.A.O had a meltdown because I left the app store icon on the iPad before handing it over and had to delete it in front of him. SO an hour later once he’d finally stopped alarming the neighbours I got to kick ultimate dadda into bed and squeeze in a tiny bit of teaching T.G.A.O. He does correspondence at home and I love it.

Then there was some me time. Yay! I like me time so I sat down with my cross stitching and watched Coriolanus on the laptop. Excellent movie by the way you should check it out. Try this link. After some serious me time interrupted by mumbleteen a few times. It was afternoon. So some housework, some stalking of the chickens and another lovely fresh eggie from the mother and it was baking time. A lovely sticky gingerbread yum yum and there erupted T.G.A.O with some drama.

Ultimate dadda now awake as a result of Mt. Autism erupting in the next room….again. And now it evening time. So tag team parenting comes into play and I get to make mayonnaise with home grown eggs for the first time ever. Dinner for dadda and I a rousing game of chase the chickens round and round in circles to get them in their coop and then give up in disgust and now it’s time for the strict bedtime nightmare, war, drama, seige routine, kick Ultimate dadda back to bed for another couple of hours before work and chillaxing with some serious geek time and stitching…..

There ya have it a fairly good day for the Tinks aka me aka mumma aka crazedkiwimum.

What’s that? You’d like some photos? Ok sure have some photos.

This is what school work looks like round here

This is what school work looks like round here. Read part of why we choose to educate at home here. and here

Previous stitching for a current project. The charatchers are from a beloved set of New Zealand childrens books adored by the great autistic one. Read all about Hairy Maclary

Previous stitching for a current project. The characters are from a beloved set of New Zealand children’s books adored by the great autistic one. Read all about Hairy Maclary or watch and listen to it being read by a New Zealand accent 

Our girls. Mother Jayne and her 4 daughters Inara, Zoe, River and Kaylee. Some of you more awesome folk will recognize the tribute to the GREATEST TV PROGRAM EVER CREATED

Our girls. Mother Jayne and her 4 daughters Inara, Zoe, River and Kaylee. Some of you more awesome folk will recognize the tribute to the GREATEST TV PROGRAM EVER CREATED

Resistance is futile

So the great autistic one has been attending a special needs gym class for the past 6 months. Every Monday afternoon during school terms(10 weeks in a row 2 weeks off 6 weeks off for summer holidays at Christmas time) we trooped off to our local gym and had a blast!

It has been funded by local community groups and there was no cost to parents.

There seemed to be a variety of kids attending aged from 5 through to 15??? maybe and about a dozen kids. And at first glance they appear  to have different issues but as we well know(NOW) is apparently is not polite to come up to some one and say “what’s your kids problem ?”

Today we showed up for his first session of the term and we’re handed a notice informing us that The Autism Gym class is now funded by Autism NZ and if we want to continue enjoying gym we must become members of Autism NZ and it’s only for children aged up to 11. – REALLY????

<insert large amount of expletives here>

First of all at what point did his special needs gym session become an ‘autism only’ gym session???? Did we miss a memo? And it’s funny how last year when the old volunteer was running it her 15/16? year old son was the oldest kid there and now there is a very different age limit????  I smell something and it ain’t wonderboys’ pull up

Secondly WHUT???? In order to continue using a service that has suddenly become exclusive we have to become members of the club.

It’s not the money mind, they want I think $30 a year, a small pitence. No no it’s the utter gall of forcing us to join an organization that we are not interested in in the slightest just to get benefit from something that had nothing to do with them until this week.

Bloody horrid shock to us. We looked into Autism NZ when we first got diagnosed 6 1/2 years ago and again when we move from one part of the country to the other 4 1/2 years ago.

Unimpressed was the general sentiment. We were offered a place in a class that as far as we could understand was geared to “how to love your child even though he/she is autistic” Both times there was considerable confusion and dismay from those that offered when we explain that it was completely unnecessary  unwarranted and some what offensive that they assumed we needed help loving our child.

We inquired as too what else the organisation could do for us. The response was some vague mumbling about seminars and guest speakers and an enthusiastic invitation to use their “extensive” library. And to once again point us in the direction of their “early bird(how to love your child) class”

We were put in touch with  woman that supposedly wanted to set up New Zealand’s first autism assistance dog training program. We met with her and her “very high functioning” teenage son. Over the course of 2 weeks worth of dialogue the conversations went from the woman having this “specially hand picked” young Labrador pup which she would train with input from us over the space of several months and then hand over with training from her to it was a “half-breed-pit-bull-cross-and-if-we-wanted-an- advice-we-could-always-drop-her-a-line-it’s-almost-housebroken-how-long-till-you-can-take-it-off-my-hands?” And this women was seeking endorsement from Autism NZ and receiving special notice in the newsletters for her “incredible contributions”.


Recent scanning of the online website has yet to revel to me any thing tangible that the organisation offers. Again vague mention of “seminars and visiting experts in the field  Some “what is autism” for dummies posters links to pages to download information about their 3 courses offered!!!!(you must be a member to see the downloads) a link to an online “am I autistic test”-by the way I took the test. I’m not autistic I just hate people. And reminders on several pages that it’s $30 a year for a family to join.

I almost want to take the “is it a cult test?” but I’m afraid of the answer.

We were handed the form to enroll with the group today at the end of gym “Please note all family members and what their diagnosis is – classic/aspergers/pdd/other”


Hell I won’t answer the government census questions and I have to by law and you wanna know each and evey family member and what their problem is” I always knew autistic folk had poor social skills. I didn’t realize it was an entrance requirement to the club.

Apparently calling yourself an asshole just doesn’t cut it anymore.

The Great Autistic One starts swimming this week. No entrance requirements beyond the $1.50 pool fee. And I’m pretty sure the lifeguards aren’t cult members. The penguin mascot I’m not too sure about though.


autism v. 2.0??? system error invalid command.

I was just scrolling through some different blogs on autism trying to find others out there using the same software we have installed and I think I must be doing something wrong cause none of them have the same programming errors as we do.

I think I need to do a re-install cause all these other folks have ones that can follow instructions, or communicate  or express appropriate behaviours.

Begs the question what the hell is autism, cause if they’re calling their kids autistic then what the frack is mine???

Example: from an apprently “autistic” 9 year old boy comes the following dialogue “One morning, on the way to taking Teagan to school, my husband and I were having a conversation. I don’t remember what it was about, but I do know that it wasn’t about anything that came out of Teagan’s mouth. He says, “I’m not old enough to choose to make out or not to make out.” I said, “WHAT?” And he repeats it. Then I ask him, “What is making out?” And he says, “When you date.” So, I say, “Oh, well, it’s good you aren’t old enough to make out then.” And then he says, “I want to make out with Skylar.” My husband and I nearly died of a heart attack. And then Teagan says, “We’re going to go to a restaurant.” So, not only is he interested in dating this Skylar, but he also has it all planned out. He is going to go on an internet dating site, for what he presumably believes is to teach him how to be nice to girls, then he is going to take her to a restaurant, then make out with her. Heaven help us!”

Seriously???? you’re calling your kid autistic and he just came up with that???

Lady what planet you from? I’m from planet autism and on my planet autistic boys don’t have conversations about appropriate dating. On my planet boys will occasionally yell out something that may in fact be “DUCK QUACK QUACK”. At least I hope that’s what he was trying to say. We also have “conversations” like this. “Do you need to pee?” “Nooooooooo” “____ do you need to go toilet have a pee?” “NOOOOOOOOOOO NO peeee” “Do you want to try have a pee? No not in the hallway” -cue screaming or as he puts it ‘kweeeeming” As for dating plans are you friggin kidding?? Hell I’m just grateful he no longers launches himself down other females cleavages”

Or how about this wee gem from another ‘autism mom” “I am completely out-of-the-loop on ALL personal care and hygiene issues and he has done a tremendous job!  He is the least smelly teenage boy I know, and very receptive to any changes or new introduction to his routine in this area.  So thankful for this!!  He also has no need for my assistance with any of his household chores.  He empties the dishwasher, carries in and puts away all the groceries, puts his dirty clothes in the laundry, takes out the trash, and starting this spring, will be mowing the lawn.  He will do any work you ask, as long as he knows what time you expect him to start work and for how long.  He is a human timer and has an expiration buzzer for sure – but will work hard when he understands the expectation and task”

Seriously???? you’re calling your kid autistic and your bitching he can only do things after very specific instructions???

Lady what planet you from? I’m from planet autism and on my planet autistic boys don’t follow instructions beyond “try saying that again” Hell I’m thrilled all to bits that my “normal” teenage boy uses soap and sometime follows instructions let alone the autistic one. I figure I’ll still be washing all his bits and pieces when he’s 20, christ can you imagine having to shave your own sons face when he’s hypersenstive to touch, sound and he’s hyperactive to boot.

How about this “mom” and her 2!!! autistic boys “Hey, kid. I wanna tell you that I’m really proud of the way you handled the bus situation this morning. I know it’s hard for you to be late and I’m happy that you didn’t worry too much about the bus. Like I told you before, you’ll get to school no matter what, because if the bus can’t take you, I will. You can count on that. Hey…I have an idea!””What?””Well, since you did such a good job this morning by being flexible and not feeling upset about the bus, I was thinking about a possible surprise. But, if we do the surprise, it means you’re going to be another 5 minutes late to school. You can choose what you want to do. If you want to go straight to school, then that’s what we’ll do. If you’re okay being a few more minutes later than we already are, then I’ll tell you my idea.”He paused for a moment, assessing his options. “I’ll be okay if we are 5 more minutes late. What’s the surprise?”How about we get some hot chocolate on the way to school because you did such a good job?”I knew it!”Yeah, I figured you did, kiddo.”

Seriously??? You’re calling your kids autistic and they can verbalize a thought process, make a decision and assume they are right?

Lady what planet you from? I’m from planet autism and on my planet boys with autism don’t talk, cope with change AT ALL, verbalize thought process OR make decision beyond pointing which dvd is on their shelf. Oh and also? They don’t drink hot chocolate

These “autism moms” need to get a grip. I ain’t gonna take no bitching form any of them. I don’t claim to have exclusive rights to call my kid autistic. I just don’t think they should either. Clearly their o.s. got installed by a techie with half a clue. Their programming might be a slow and require some pretty precise inputting from the user but hell honeys at least yours don’t crash halfway through a download.

I think my kid musta been programmed by a non-english speaking hyperactive crack addict with multiple personalities and a real short attention span.


Be funny – or else!

I was recently reading blog post from about humour (or humor depending on what language version you’ve installed) and I decided to comment and as I started writing what I had to say I got really really pissed off.

The general sense of the blog post was one of apology and exclusiveness and shame, like it’s not correct to find fun in the world in case some one finds it offensive and I thought very angrily screw that! One of my all time favourite quotes is from Stephen Fry.

Who cares if some one is offended by what we have to say or how we say it. This is OUR world not theirs, we live here not them.

Autism is OUR culture, OUR history, OUR language why the hell should we play by everybody elses’ rules. We measure ourselves and our behaviour and our reactions to things by the standards of a world we don’t inhabit and I can’t understand why.

So why shouldn’t we be funny, why feel guilty for laughing at our kids, for making jokes, calling them names

Who decided that autism is a dark and lonely place full of setbacks and frustrations and heart break and stress so we must be serious.

I had to pause this blog post halfway through writing. Ultimate dadda needed to come home and vent. As I’ve said before he works midnight’s to 8am i n our city’s only hospital as an orderly and he has a pretty awful job to do. And it’s not just the muck and the mess – 18 patients in one night with food poisoning  and it’s not the death and carnage that is a fatal car accident. It’s the inhumanity, the young man in getting stitches because his girlfriend stabbed, he was looking forward to going home so they could have make up sex. It’s the adult son jamming his elderly mother in the front seat of the car with a broken hip and leg cause he won’t pay for the ambulance, it’s the mother that came to i.d. her daughter after she purposefully jump to her death saying “thought she’d get round to it, not my problem, do what you want with her” It’s the drug addicted parents punching each other while one holds the body of their tiny deformed baby.

Every day we are faced with the most horrific, the most awful things and people and events. We deal with all this and our beautiful son with all his issues We deal with the agony that our ex’s have caused us and cause our children. We deal with our own health issues. We deal with  lack of sleep, a lack of support and friendship, a lack of money, all this we cope with by laughing. By being inappropriate. By being rude and according to some offensive. By being crass. By being cynical and sarcastic.

And I’ll be damned if I am going to feel guilty about it.

I have far too many things to occupy my ind with other than worrying that something I might say may be taken out of context and used against me. I really honestly have learnt that I really honestly don’t care if I offend something while making a joke make my day slightly less shitty. And I think it’s a valuable skill most parents of disabled/special needs kids need to develop more than anyone else.

Learn to be less angry and more funny. So what? You’ve decided you got ripped off and didn’t get the kid you wanted and now the world has to pay? Sorry sweetheart, it’s a kid, not a tv, you can’t take it back to the store and get a refund. And while you’re sitting there being pissed off you’re missing out on some pretty awesome moments. And besides there’s plenty of time to be pissed off when your dead.

In other words, good sir and ladies. Fuck ’em if they can’t take a joke


Warning: Contains Excessive Nudity

Parental guilt crisis looming……….

The great autistic one spends many an hour in the raw as it were and I am starting to experience mild panic attack symptoms at the thought that while it’s might be cute to watch an 8 year old boy bounce on the tramp int rain as nature intended  the sight of a 28 year old doing it is only going to frighten the neighbours, confuse the dog and disturbed any door knockers prowling the neighbourhood. Although in hindsight this maybe an excellent tacit for warding off those pesky God bothers, if only there weren’t those annoying little public indecency laws I’d put the tramp on the front lawn.


a strict holiday dress code was adhered too. He had the hat on.

Change happens at glacial speed round these parts and if we stand any chance of getting the lad to wear pants on a daily basis we’re going to have to get cracking (pun intended) fairly soon.

I personally don’t mind if he’s running round the place naked and short of sunburn and unfortunate bee stings there is very little harm for the young fella or his wee fella, it might be a wee bit cheeky but surely there no harm. A stroll through our family photos shows the great naked one frolicking his way through seasons and years with nary a stitch. At Christmas, Easter, inside, outside there is a blur of boy bits gracing the screen(there’s a reason I don’t scrapbook you know).

It’s not that he sheds his clothes you understand but rather he has a fantastic habit of wandering off mid task and being happily engaged in whatever takes his fancy. And often it’s his fancy he’s engaged with. So there is a lot of lax parenting on my behalf, it’s just he’s so…….happy and let’s face the lad is an expert at nude maneuvering he’s been at it since before he could even walk

Born to be free, free from the oppression of clothing!

Born to be free, free from the oppression of clothing!

Most folks coming over these days are fairly used to a skinny kid streaking down the hallway and either they’re really good friends or they really don’t give a damn. Either way apart from the neighbours getting a rather surprising view with their breakfast when we first moved in there are been very few complaints. oh wait there was that one time in the supermarket but hey it was only his pants it’s not like he totally stripped off right??? But I have that nagging sensation that if steps aren’t taken now the other kids may have social lives revolving around i.d.-ing their mates at the door as content may offend sensitive persons.

Note the sun smart addition of a t-shirt. That's cracking good parenting there

Note the sun smart addition of a t-shirt. That’s cracking good parenting there

So how does one train the un-trainable into wearing pants?

What’s the next step learning for that? Star charts perhaps.

A sign on the front door “It has been _____ days since we had an U.P.E. (unexpected penis encounter)

I’m not too fazed as his excessive naturist tendencies aren’t unaccompanied by inappropriate peeing but I know in my heart of hearts that one day in the not to distant future pants are going to be mandatory.

Sigh heartbreak comes so early these days. I shall have to steel my resolve and add “the constant wearing of pants at all times it is neccessary” to our ever growing list of essential life skills. I shall have exercise great care in how we word teaching the great autistic one about “appropriate” as we could stand another repeat of the ‘great hilarity of  ’08”

Great care must be taken in the wording of stated i.e.p. goals, lest confusing surronding "pants must be worn at all times" Autistic children are VERY literal

Great care must be taken in the wording of stated i.e.p. goals, lest confusion surrounding “pants must be worn at all times” Autistic children are VERY literal


We return you to your regularly scheduled programm

A break from blogging for a couple of weeks. I actually got to have a few days away from Planet Autism. I visited an old friend I haven’t really seen since B.D. (before diagnosis) and it made me ponder about things.

In our house we don’t really age. No that’s not right it’s hard to quantify the words I need here(it may have something to do with the young flappy gentleman in the next room squealing and demanding cheese).

I feel like the rest of the world around us is changing but we’re still chugging on at the same point we were 3 years ago, 5 years ago. Most of the people I consider true friends have kids, and we sit on the sidelines of their lives watching their kids, grow and change and become the people they will be as adults, but we’re stuck back here, watching baby Einstein dvds and learning to point and pee. I mentioned this briefly in another post you can read it here

As a couple, ultimate dadda and I we have VERY few friendships, maybe only 4 or 5 singles or couples we would count as close friends(people we’d make an effort to socialize with) and another dozen or so folks we share aspects of our lives with. I sometimes feel like I’d like to be closer to folks, have a “pop around for a coffee” type of mate but then I quickly come to my senses and the sensation passes.

One of the reasons is self preservation  you see as their kids grow, mature and develop as adult humans so too to their parents. Their lives start shaping in different ways, they update their wardrobes, develop new hobbies and interests change the house around to take over the kids rooms, get work, change jobs. Basically they become different people. They start sharing joys about kids getting jobs, moving houses, having relationships.

And yet here we sit, still watching bear in the big blue house, still changing bottoms, holding toothbrushes, picking out clothes. We still count all the soft toys, have ice cream for breakfast and leave the house exactly as it is. And I don’t know how to keep sharing the same stories.

I don’t know how to answer when I’m asked “hows he doing” I don’t know how to not feel jealous. I don’t know how to not talk about autism.

So I worry that it’s makes me an annoying friend, a whiner, a drag, I worry that a friendship with me is one sided, boring and uninteresting cause there’s nothing new going on. So husband and I keep our distance from people, mainly because with most folks including a few we get on with we no longer understand their motivations. Perhaps we view them as selfish, not realizing that without autism we’d be like that too. I don’t know

But I do know that we are here doing the same things we did last year and the year before and the year before that, and if you come and check in with us in another 3 or 5 years we’ll be doing the same things. Watching the same dvds, playing with the same toys looking to make the same leaps forward. Sure the setting might change, perhaps we’ll move house, update the furniture, hell maybe even graduate to owning a car, but fundamentally we’ll still be parenting a toddler.

There is a great deal of peace to be found in that idea, so don’t get started on the sympathy. Sure we’ll miss out on some things with our guy, his first job, his first girlfriend, moving out. But here’s what you forget, no panicked phone calls in the middle of the night because he’s too drunk to get home safely, no worrying because the girlfriend skipped her period, no going out and getting a fight, no drugs, knowing that he’ll never make a dumb decision and wrap his car around a tree He doesn’t want the latest shoes, jeans, music, gadget, car, whatever.

So I’ll gladly trade those worries for toilet training, learning to use a spoon and watching the same 12 dvds for the rest of his life.

Except JoJo’s circus. I hate that friggin clown