Monthly Archives: July 2012

That’s my son, the Nazgul.

I’m pretty sure the great Autistic one is a Nazgul. You know the looming cloaked figures from Lord of the Rings that stalk Frodo endlessly demanding shiney things.  Well the kid spends his days following me around the house screaming in this weird high pitched raspy squeal that sounds an awful lot like a Nazgul

he gets his looks from his father

I want cookie please mumma.

You can see the family resemblance. Or maybe it’s not the boy that’s a Nazgul, maybe it’s the Nazgul that’s autistic, perhaps those long flowing robes are a sensory suit? They don’t talk much either and the nine Nazgul seems to be rather fixated…….. Let’s take a closer look and see

1) Avoids eye contact – Yep no face so no eye contact

2) Poor/delayed verbal communication – well they shriek a lot but appear to be capable of speech in when Frodo puts on the ring and crosses into the shadow realm(they can talk in your dreams but most of the time haunt your every move shriek unintelligibly) Yep big tick in that box

3) Poor non-verbal communication. Doesn’t understand facial expressions gestures. – Even when being belted to hell and back by Viggo Mortensen after being set on fire! They continue to hound Frodo for the ring.  Some days it doesn’t matter how many times I show the kid the Not available pecs he still wants what isn’t there

Do you need a pecs image?

No you CAN”T have a cookie!

4) Preoccupation/obsession with single topic. That’s a no brainer. Gimme the ring! Gimme the ring! gimme the ring! Right now the kid is all about a you tube clip of some trucks in a supercar parade. Todays record 4hrs of the same 2mins and 54 secs. I know you all feel my pain.

I had more signs Nazgul are on the spectrum but my own little Nazgul has just informed me my blogging time is up. One thing I do know is that if you think your child may be a NAzgul Equine therapy is in but you may want to reconsider swimming lessons. And under NO circumstances try and combine the two. Even when your little Nazgul has been in your face all day demanding the ring

Equine water theray. Not a good idea.

Next time try music therapy. Less chance you’ll have to re-lay the carpet

So what say you internet people. Is your kid a Nazgul or do you have another fictional character in mind for Surprising celebrity on the spectrum?

Let me know your thought’s

Trauma, thy name is hairdressing

I did a bad thing. Do not attempt to recreate this in your own home. Viewer discretion advised. All stunts preformed by a total amuture whilst rolling around the kitchen floor in a surreal attempt to faithfully re-create the Epic Lupin/Sirius dog fight

2 days ago Ultimate Dadda and I said a silly silly thing ” let’s let the little dudes hair grown out” Sure why not. I mean when he was wee fella B.D.(before diagnosis) he had long ringlets that either fell in waves halfway down his back or got glued to his face and forehead with a combination of snot, jam and ice ceam. For 10 mins a week he looked angelic( just after his weekly water torture bath)

This morning we pick him up from his respite care home.

He’s scratching

He’s wriggling

He’s keeps coming up and placing my hand on the back of his head and while looking soulfully into my eyes and screams.

Yup. Headlice.

“Fuck” I say to myself in that quite little mummy voice. You know the one. It’s the one you hope is quite enough that the human Dictaphone that is your offspring won’t endlessly repeat in the middle of his next S/L session

“That’s ok” says Ultimate Dadda “let’s just give him a haircut” Ha! I laughed then. I was an innocent young thing 90mins ago.

Have you ever tried to take two wet humping cats and tried to stuff them into a pair of pantyhose at the same time after drinking a 5th of Scotch? No? Didn’t think so. I rather give a proctology exam to a fully grown Grizzy bear with toothache that repete that haircut

Never try to give an autistic kid a haircut on a whim. Where did I go so wrong? Oh let me count the ways.

5)Didn’t pre-warn/sedate said child. A succesful autism haircut should involve a mandatory 72hrs cooling off period. A social story, visit with licensed psychotherapist and a minimum 4 valium.(Sharing the valium with the child is OPTIONAL)

4) Couldn’t find all the correct fittings for the clippers set. I know where I HAD them last. I think the dog ate them. Had to fudge the fittings. Dumb idea.

3) Didn’t pre-cut Satan Jrs hair. By the time I realized this was a good idea he already looked more than a little possesed and I was freaking out at the thought he’d get me in a thumb lock grab the scissors and start his angry headslap stimming (on me) a la Edward Scissorhands

2)Accidently dropped the clippers in a moment of extreme swearing and stomping around looking for the correct fittings or oil for the blades. They stopped working as well. By this point Ultimate Dadda has backed into a corner in the defensive groinal position.

1)All of the above.

Long story short. After 45 mins of wrestling, screaming, punching kicking and attempted biting. I calmed down and finished. Bottom line is the kid is looking stylish and having the soothing long hot shower whilst I look like the end result of a bad night out with a wookie and a bottle of motor oil. I always wanted to look like someone a celebrity would want to bang. I just didn’t think it would be Chewbacca. I need some drugs. I’m not sure which ones. I think all of them. Satan Jr is giving Ultimate Dadda a thank you hug for his effort


When his eyes met mine it was like magic

Yes I did say drunken circus monkeys on acid

I live in New Zealand in a small-ish city that services the rural community. No I don’t think that means what you think it means. I am in my mid-30’s but I look a lot insaner and feel about 50 on a good day. I have a bunch of kids 6 at last count, but it’s really complicated and the one time I tried explaining to a therapist he tried to draw a family tree, ran out of whiteboard and asked me to please go away and shut the door quietly on the way out. Some people are built for therapists, some just make them cry. At least he didn’t charge me for the privilege

Mostly my life consists of moving from one disaster to another whilst trying to get the bills paid, the dog out of the fridge, the 15 year old from getting arrested or anyone pregnant all the while trying to keep pants on my severely autistic 7 year old without getting a concussion from his headbutts. Maybe I should take up base jumping, my life feels a little empty.

I have an incredible husband who puts up with an awful and asks for very little in return. A total legend the man has surprisingly few psychosis but I should point out he used to have ALOT more hair than he does now. But the dog is his fault. Totally. And maybe the cat too.

So what else is there, I covered the 6 kids, 1 husband, a cat that appears to channel Rainman and the damn dog. And me. Not 40….yet. Not neurotic…yet

And then there is the autism. The giant neon elephant. Our youngest son. Now 7. Diagnosed at 18months-yep he’s that severe. Non verbal. Not toilet trained, or for the North Americans tuning in not potty trained. he has extreme hyper-sensitivity in his mouth which means his diet consists of about 12 different things ONLY. I’m not joking. Despite earlier jokes he now wears most of his clothes most of the time but that took a few years and scared the crap out of our new neighbours before we had the chance to introduce ourselves. He currently attends a mainstream “regular” school where he is supported a regular classroom in the morning. And in the afternoon he’s taken with about 15 other SN kids(oh how we all love to hate THAT “label”) to participate in a variety of jokes  activities. It sounds a lot more idealistic than is actually is but there’s room in this blog for that later. Once a school term (in New Zealand we have 4  10 week terms a year) a school funded SLT comes to see him and if we’re pushy lucky she’ll spend an hour with him. He sees a paediatrician once a year and because his daddy has serious hearing loss he also see a audiologist. Anything else we want for him either doesn’t exist in our city or isn’t funded or is so extremely hard to get it takes weeks of junk food and alcohol therapy to re-cover from it. And that’s just for the kid. I joke. I won’t get my autistic child drunk. Could you imagine the damage? A hyperactive, stimming, drunken circus midget?

As I write this post the kid in question is currently having his first night away from us in 3 1/2 years! I’m still in shock. More about that later.

More about everything later, husband is giving that look. Combination oh “hey enough with the damn computer” and “heeeeyy baby you’re looking hot in those sexy sexy trackpants with the hole in the crotch and sauce stain on your hoody”

If you find this and read it, I love to hear about it. It’ll be a crapshoot as to whether you get a response or not but try not to get offended